an invitation to soul

I went to a therapist once but after I tried to explain my problem, she attacked me for being a spoiled brat. I recalculated and got a master’s degree in therapy, as sort of a back door into healing. It was far more helpful than the actual therapist was.

Even after graduation, I continued to learn and study, attending workshops and seminars, reading books and listening to tapes. I attended various churches, absorbing practices and theories at the feet of many teachers. Over time I made the transition from student to teacher. I’ve taught communion, meditation and prayer and run several spiritual circles over the years. I’ve even written two books, with two more due out in the end of April.

Bit by bit I moved from a place of pain to a place of relative peace. After much time and money, I realized that there is great value in seeking solace. I no longer have gloom and rage. Large parts of my day are filled with joy. When I do get sad or angry, it usually takes a bit of meditation and prayer to get through it.

Unfortunately – or quite fortunately, only time will tell – I recently found myself in a place of “great funk.” I haven’t been doing much speaking in the last couple of months and have been feeling the loss. The most alive and awake I ever feel is when I’m speaking in front of a group. When I speak in front of congregations or groups, my Sacred Self comes through in a deeply concentrated and focused way. I’ve had many people say that a change comes over me and I’m much more vibrant than I normally am. While many folks fear public speaking, I find it invigorating.

I accepted the fact that when I climb down from the speaker’s platform, the “high” may carry me for a little while, but before you know it I revert to my normal quiet self. The ego shell closes back over me and I’m once again ‘just me.’ I recently moved to Florida and have been building my network of peers here. I have been in talks with folks about starting a church but I haven’t been talking to a church – not yet. As a result, I’ve been steeping in my ego-self, which is not something I ever wanted to do.

“Why?” I asked the Universe. “Why can my Highest and Best Self only ever be bothered to show up when I’m in front of a congregation? Does she only care about other people? What about when I’m alone or just chatting on the phone? What then? No embrace from my Inner Divine?” I heard in response, “You’ve never asked.”

Invite Love In.

Okay, it may be a bit immature to say, “Duh!” but that’s exactly what I said.
That inner voice made sense. Whenever I am speaking in public I reach deep within to invite my Highest and Best Self into my heart and mind. My ego-self is not cut out for the job of spiritual sharing but my Sacred Self is much smarter and wiser than I ever could be. I have long come to terms with the fact my ego-self is deeply flawed – in the most loveable and wonderful way, of course. You still don’t want my ego-self giving the Sunday talk at church. Yeah. That wouldn’t work out well at all.

But my Sacred Self – my Soul – yes, she’s very well qualified. And the feelings I get when I “channel mySelf” are love, compassion, peace and joy. And poetry. My Highest and Best Self is one helluva poet. But I have to admit that I’ve reserved that part of myself for special occasions. Church. Groups. Writing. I never dreamt of inviting her in while I was making coffee or cleaning litterboxes.

In fact, I even asked the question, “Even when I’m doing litterboxes?”

The response was, “Of course. All the time. Any time. Invite me in and I’m there.”

So I tried it. I’ve broadened my practice to include regular invitations. As I’m going about my daily routine, I pause, center in my Sacred Core and reach out to my Sacred Self. I feel the tingles. I feel the special sense of presence that only my Inner Divine has for me.

My mind feels cleaner. My heart feels more open. I am more motivated to tackle things that I knew were problems but lacked the energy to address. The food I crave is lighter. I enjoy my walks more. In those inevitable times when ego-self takes over I can feel the shift in my energy. The free-floating anxiety is more noticeable. Any meandering resentments are less welcome. The sign is up, “Don’t feed the bear of fear and anger.” Unfed, untended, they go away quickly, as long as I remember to Invite mySelf back in.

I’ll know when she’s moved in full-time when I can drive to the grocery store, shop and get home without snarling at another soul through the whole trip. Yes. I’m longing for those days and think they may be coming soon.
I’ll write about it. Perhaps. Perhaps, when that day comes I’ll be so used to being mySelf that I won’t even notice how unusual it once was.

4 March 2015

With Blessings - Reverend Shari.